I’m feeling a little inspired by Alix’s fiction. Only this isn’t fiction. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time now and wondering if I should’ve taken things a step further. For the purposes of this blog we’ll call her Famous. I met her online a Long time ago (6 years give or take). She was in the military. She was Arabian and black, spoke 7 languages and worked for Criminal Intelligence. She was Grade A prime cut material. She didn’t really identify as a Stud or a Femme. She was just “Famous”. The opportunity presented itself to physically meet back in 2006. I was in Atlanta on business and she was back in the states visiting family. She came by my hotel one night. Dressed in all white, she had this distinctive style to her. Not like anything I’d ever seen or been accustomed to. So we’re sitting on the bed making small talk. For some reason I get up and I’m looking in the mirror in front of the bed and she decides to start caressing my legs. When her fingers found my inner thighs my knees gave out and I collapsed into her lap, by now she’s planting kisses on my neck by my jugular and my back is arched as I’m moaning in her ear . Pulling her earlobe in with my lips…. It felt like this crazy ass dream. We ended up on the bed at some point. She started undoing my shorts whispering in my ear “let me make you come”. But for some crazy ass reason I stopped her. I fucking stopped her and we just laid there like that until I fell asleep. Ultimately I stopped it. I don’t exactly know why. I think maybe It was my controlling nature interfering. I was thinking too much about it and worrying about the outcome. My best friend says I’m crazy. She might be right. But I still think about that night. I’ve never had anyone make me feel like that. We lost touch until last year when she sends me a message saying “I still think about that night”. So now I’m asking myself “what if?”
Do you believe in one night stands? Would you have classified that as a one night stand?
I found survivors. CH and I are back on speaking terms. We agreed to be friends. I spent perhaps the last 2 or 3 weeks ignoring her phone calls, instant messages and text. I think I really needed that time to clear my mind. Yesterday I sent her a text. Small talk ensues then she tells me she really needs to talk. So I called her. I talked more than she did as usual. I’m not sure why I’d expected anything to change. But she talks about how I shut her out and blah blah blah. I go on to remind her of my attempts to open up to her and tell her exactly what was going on in my head. Oh did I tell you, she asked to really talk to me like 3 weeks back and then interrupts the conversation to ask some bird to dance. She got off the phone with me to dance. Granted she was at a party and that wasn’t the most opportune time to have the “Big” talk but she wanted it that way. That was the first time I divulged exactly how I was feeling. The second time around I send her a 4 page letter via text and she replies “IDK 4RL”. I just plain gave up after that and didn’t speak to her for 3 weeks.
And for 3 weeks she’s been calling the house phone, the cell phone, stalking me online and sending me text messages.
So on lets say umm Saturday I finally text her which brings us to our present situation. She starts talking about how she was so open on me. How she opened up her heart to me even though she was scared and how I just disappointed her. I asked her if that was the case then why in the final 2 weeks of our relationSHIT was she being distant. She claims she was too busy. I told her to call me when she wanted to keep it real.
So she sends me a text and she says she closed herself off to me because things were getting a little too intense. She says she was feeling way too strongly about me and just didn’t know how to handle that so she pushed me away. ehh, it’s not quite what I expected but shyt it’s a far cry from ‘IDK 4 REAL’ .
Shyt that’s all I needed her to say. I don’t expect us to have what we had in the beginning. But I at least wanted us to be friends. So I told her that I don’t really know if we’ll be an “us” again but that I do want her back in my life as a friend and ultimately she agreed.
I’m just not ready to open up and be in a relationship especially one that has all the odds stacked against us.
Since when is being evil synonymous with being Human? Now don’t get me wrong I never said that we all should be perfect, because no one can. But, one would hope that we would never give up the struggle to be the best we can. Instead I see things taking a turn for the worse. I’m living in a society where more and more I see supreme effort being placed on nurturing the more vile aspects of humanity.
Things are changing and it’s hard for me to keep my head up. It’s not just a financial recession we’re in. It’s also spiritual. Now I know I’m not perfect. I made some recent observations about my own character. I noticed just how much more frequent the occurrence of “white lies” are within my vocabulary. It feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen when you can step outside yourself and see the fucked up shyt you’re doing. Then it just magnifies the fucked up shyt everyone else is doing and you begin to miss the way things were when there was an ounce of good left in this world.
I caught my girl who is a friend in another lie and I was all devastated by it but then realized that all those old school values I hold near and dear are now quickly becoming a thing of the past. So now I’ve moved past the devastation to acquire new heights of spiritual consciousness. My objective is not to let the actions of others desensitize me. I’m still adamant in my vow to not shed any more tears. However this will be a lesson for me; teaching me how to hold fast to what few values I do have.
Posted March 12, 2009on:
I knew I was asking for it when I logged into her account. She’s still sending msg’s to this chick even tho I asked her not to fuck with shorty (for legitimate reasons).
Not to mention the fact I realized she lied to me the other day this shyt just diminishes my trust for her. So here’s what I’s gone do. I’s gone do Me.
The one thing I ask for in my relationships is honesty. Shyt, I even hold the door open so honesty can walk in. For those of us who are just tuning in, I just started talking to CH 2 months ago. We made things official last week and a week into our relationSHIT, she’s already lying to me. She had her ex over this past weekend. Granted this is a long distance relationship, I can’t expect the world of her but the one thing I did and still do want is some honest –to –goodness, down-home cooked, made with love HONESTY. How CH fucked up is that she failed to tell me Her EX-BITCH was there. I asked her at least 3 times who was that. She spent the entire time being cryptic and distant. So tonight I call her and I’m like “Who is that and don’t’ tell me your best friend coz you only have one and I’ve met her.” She starts being cryptic then the bitch in the background starts yellin “tell her who i am” . So I’m like no bitch you tell me who you are. A shouting match ensues, CH says she’ll call me back I say don’t bother just lose the number and There we have it…. But as i’ve said to myself before “you will not be crying in 09 over another bitch”. That’s my story and I’m stickin to it.
I went spastic earlier. I was having a conversation with CH. She tells me about how her mom (now 42) keeps her 10 year old brother at home (and out of school) to wait on her hand and foot. I can’t really understand how one would keep your offspring out of school when you have the luxuries of sending them to school free of charge.
I think I almost burst into tears at the thought of that. I’m West Indian. I’m not sure how the educational system is structured in modern day Jamaica, but I do know that My Mom had to work her ass off to keep her 4 kids in school. In Jamaica, we pay school tuition at any age. Be it, kindergarten, Junior High or High School, there is a cost associated with obtaining an education. There are no such things as free text books and to add to the pot we all wore uniforms which of course have to be bought each year. It was tough for my mom – a single mother - to keep food on the table and pay tuition for 4 kids to go to school. And here it is, we live in a country where education is not only mandatory but also free and you have these DEAD beat women keeping their kids out of school to either: serve their every whim or to babysit siblings. Honestly where’s the justice in that?
Where the FUCK IS THE JUSTICE IN THAT?
How DO YOU LAY DOWN? SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND POP 10 KIDS OUT
THEN ASK YOUR OLDEST CHILD TO RAISE THEM WHILE YOU LAY UP ON YOUR ASS DOING NOTHING BUT CREATING THIS PERPETUAL REVOLVING DOOR FOR STRANGE MEN TO WALK IN, FUCK YOU AND LEAVE. You’re like a fucking DRIVE THRU WINDOW at McDonalds, easy and fucking convenient. At 42 you would think you’d get a grip.
Oh but let me calm down because at the end of the day you are someone’s mother. If only I could look at you as such. No you’re not her Mother SHE’S YOUR MOTHER.